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Photo by Michelle Friswell

Harry Potter has many mysteries. Why, for instance, is it that this sub-species of magical humans seem, for example, to be unable to use their bottomless power-pits in more creative ways, i.e. like creating some sort of moneyless system where poverty is considered a muggle problem, etc.? Some things we may never know, like the true shape of the Universe, but I have a theory that will explain all of Harry Potter. This is the last theory, and like Grigori Perelman, I have solved what was thought to be unsolvable.

Consider the following:

Magic is a genetic trait. It’s passed down, more or less consistently, in magical families. We can infer from this that there is some sort of genetic identifier for magic, some signature in the body. We can presume that what “shape” magic takes in ones physicality plays a role in the sort of wand that suits them. The amount of wands there are to distribute causes me to think that it is likely your wand is either unique to you, or places you within a relatively small pool of people with similar wands. Next, we know that while students are still learning magic, the Ministry is tracking them. If they use magic outside the school, the Ministry knows where they were and what the magic was. We can presume that some combination of your genetic markers and your specific wand give off a blazing hot GPS signal with your name written all over it any and every time you use magic. If you have something to hide from your comradic wizard-folk, then you must stop using magic full stop, 100%.

We know they track magic use of school kids, but what is the likelihood that they don’t continue tracking adults after they’ve grown up? You think the Ministry isn’t watching you, Cho Chang? Think again.

So, if anyone has a unique signal it’s Voldemort. I assert that the Ministry knows where Voldemort is at all times and always has during the course of his campaigns. They don’t make it public at the risk of showing their hand and incurring the sort of paranoia that magickind should possess anyway.

Voldemort, after failing to kill Harry Potter, fried his brain. He’s gone senile. He’s lost his faculties and isn’t in possession of a wide scope of differentiated or creative thinking and thus his problem solving skills aren’t functioning. This is why he always goes after Harry while he’s at Hogwarts – it’s one of the few places he remembers at all, the poor devil. And ah, how is it that this alleged “most dangerous” of all wizards keeps slipping past the best minds in wizardom?

He’s let in. Obviously.

Oh, you may not want to hear it. You may shriek and writhe and this monstrous truth, but it is none other than Dumbledore leaving these breadcrumbs for the deranged and sickly Voldemort to follow into the dungeons and corridors of Hogwarts. There is is. Dumbledore is an employee of the Wizard NSA. Why would they let him in, you ask? To keep tabs on him. To prevent him from slipping away or ambling the streets of London, screaming schizophrenic phrases about talking snakes and The Boy Who Lived. This withered maniac is obsessed with a teenage boy. So weak are the firing signals of his neurons that he can’t compute any other means of getting to Harry besides returning again and again to the scene of the crime. Shit, Voldemort could have been the Slugsworth to Dumbledore’s Wonka and tempted Dudley with a revolver and a cupcake but, of course, given his sordid condition (for which he probably should have been hospitalized, except that wizards clearly feel contempt for one another) this could not cross his mind.

Another hard truth: every headmaster is planted. Deliberate. Every headmaster has a purpose and that is to encourage interhouse, tribalistic antagonism against each other. This rivalry and hatred and sense of house loyalty continues into adulthood and focuses all aggression toward each other, as contrived enemies, and not where it should be directed, which is up. To headmasters and Ministry officials and men in suits and dark glasses with a 16″ elm wand with unicorn hair holstered to their hip and suspiciously clean faces.

There it is and here we are. Harry was never in any real danger. His whole life has been a carefully staged charade by government officials keeping tabs on what used to be the world’s most dangerous wizard, and nothing more. These sick bastards make the Gleiwitz incident look a rom-com cute meet.

I feel ill.